Confessions of a Novice Missionary

     It's been entirely too long since I last wrote (perhaps some of you won't notice that I seem to start every blog that way). As I chatted with some co-servants in Montrouis yesterday afternoon, I realized it was time for me to write a nitty gritty, nuff-fakin',  show-em'-the-dirt kind of blog. The following confessions are not for the faint of heart. If you're expecting a churchy, "Jesus answer", turn back now. If you're hoping for a hero, let me save you the disappointment. If you want to know the truth about what I've learned here, however, I'll invite you to hear me out.

     The truth is, I'm sick of being sweaty. I miss wearing jeans. Even missionaries hit the snooze button when we don't feel like facing work some days. I'm known to ignore phone calls. Once in a blue moon, I'll use use your money on a candy bar...just to get through the afternoon. I'm not perfect...no where close. In fact, I lost my patience with my 4-yr-old neighbor yesterday. How's that for the ugly-heart award? 

     Shopping in the market intimidates me...still. I have to give myself a pep-talk before I step outside my door most mornings. I try to save my longer "pit stops" till' after I leave my house...because I can only flush once a day. I often pretend not to see the roaches on my floor or counter, ashamedly because I lack the courage to crunch em' and clean em' up. I need a power nap every time I fetch water from the community pump. Ever since my roommate moved out, I sleep diagonally...just so the bed doesn't feel so big. I cried myself to sleep last week, twice.

     I don't read my bible every day like every "good" missionary should. Sometimes, I secretly wish I had something other than rice for lunch. My empty house is scary at night, so I usually go to bed with the sun.  Sometimes, I put on blush...I'm not really sure why. I miss Taco Bell. I miss my family. I miss my boyfriend like crazy. I want chocolate cake and a cup of black coffee, stat. I want to finish the work God has for me here...so that I can go home.

     I confess all of these things (and I could go on), not to make light of the beauty I'm privileged to witness every day here. Nor is it to make you feel sorry for me, because I'm not at all sorry I'm here. I confess these things to remind you that cross-cultural missionaries are, in fact, people too. :) We sin. We're selfish. We're so stinking weak. Sure, I was obedient to His call for me to move here this year, but that doesn't mean I never struggle to obey my Master. I may be willing to make a few sacrifices, but that doesn't mean I always like it. I'm not going to pretend it's fun.

     You see, the funny thing about surrendering your plans to Christ is that you might not like what He decides to do with them. And that's OK. You know what, Church, I'm not going to lie and tell you, "I wouldn't want it any other way!" Even as Christians, our flesh will ALWAYS want it another way! In fact, even the Son of Man perspired blood as he begged His Father for any other way but the cross. So, of course, God did what was easiest....right? Wrong.

     Scripture never once reads, "follow Me, unless that interferes with something, then go ahead and wait till' it's more convenient for you. Wait a while, until it makes more sense for your life. Plan it all out first, save up, and make sure you have a backup plan...the Kingdom can wait till' tomorrow." If you find it, let a sister know!!! Nope. We are all called to carry our cross, daily. 

     Church, what are you struggling with today? What does your flesh want? Be real. Identify it. Admit it. Then talk to our God about it! He already knows...it's time to fess up. But once you realize what's flesh and what's Truth, step into His story, folks! He may only invite you once. Hold up... There's a catch! Even though you may not like what He's asking you to give up, what He's asking you to do...take heart, believers! True satisfaction, pure joy (the REAL livin'!) comes when we surrender our WANTS for His BEST. Are there things I thought I wanted (and perhaps still do) that I'm no where close to??? You bet! But I never could have dreamed of the little, unexpected joys that absolutely fill me as I'm walking in His plan for me here. My story was so lame! God's got a better one, friends! The best one! Don't miss out on your unique piece, no matter what the exchange. Even on the candy-bar-necessary days, you'll experience the hope of an eternal purpose. So why settle for less? 

A Lesson In Hope Starts At School

My prayer warriors :)

     I have been beyond excited to write to you, but God taught me His patience as I waited on the details! If you read my last blog or saw the pictures, you know God's been busy in the village of Mango ;) I've been led to continue my partnership with brother Claudi's school; We've trekked up the mountain (twice) to visit the homes of each of his 33 students, most of which are led by single, jobless mothers or grandmothers. Many of these children of God share their single-roomed, dirt-floored, humble homes with as many as 9 others.
     When I arrived at the home of one student, her mother was laying on the dirt floor, sick, as her 5 children wandered barefoot around the village, caring for one another. Another student's home was destroyed by a strong wind last year, so he and his family have been sleeping outside of a friend's home ever since. Though I'd normally pray for the sound of cooling rain as I fall asleep in my mosquito-netted bed...I've found it harder to enjoy the nightly downpour this past week. These beautiful, bright babies have so much potential, and young Claudi has committed to providing an otherwise unattainable education to the least of these. He longs to provide them with the knowledge and skills to break the cyclical poverty that currently has a firm grasp on their families. I am OVERJOYED to partner with and encourage a young, self-motivated Haitian who is already actively working to serve God and his community!
     For this reason, Church, I'm asking for your help. Claudi's family has a beautiful piece of land in Mango that they have offered to donate for the school, as the children are currently squished into an unfinished, roofless home. Very humble building plans have been drawn, including 6 small classrooms for the 6 grade levels. Focusing on necessity, these rooms will be built with traditional coconut leaf walls. Depending on funding, the roof of each classroom will be made with either a tarp, or tin. Secondly, 2-in-1 benches will be built, so that the children will finally have a place to comfortably sit and learn to write. While the school currently has 33 students, there is still much need in the village. Most children who attend Claudi's school have uneducated siblings. With such a great vision and an even greater need, we must start small.....but we must start.
     I'm not sure what God has planned for this community and for these children. I don't have plans to change the world or fix every problem here, I simply can't. Yet, there is a need. Church, I believe we have the ability to meet this need, together. We have the humble opportunity to show God's beautiful, Agape love to a few sweet souls. If the Kingdom gains even one as a result, I believe that this project is worth investing in. Would you prayerfully consider joining me?

* For all of the building materials and labor for both the classrooms and the benches, my goal is to raise $3,500us by August. 

     While I anticipate fundraising to be a little more challenging while I am away, I will need your help to get the word out! This week, I am setting up a Haitian bank account here, in order to wire funds later. At the end of May, I'll be stateside for 2 weeks, and I'll set up another U.S. account, specifically for the school. At that time, I will begin accepting donations.....until then, PLEASE PRAY WITH ME! God can do abundantly more than we can even begin to hope for! I will keep in communication and I would LOVE to answer any questions, so don't hesitate! Let's advocate!

In His Agape Love,
Kourtney
kourtneyjisaman@gmail.com

If We Are The Body...

Church,
     To begin, I want to say THANK YOU for partnering with me through prayer, finances, and encouragement! As I write, I'm sitting in my kitchen across from my sweet neighbor boy. We picked cherries, made juice, and are enjoying it now as he does his homework. This morning, my other dear friend came over to help us catch up on order due laundry, after two other neighbors offered to carry the water I fetched from our community pump. I tell you what, Church, there is so much beauty and agape love in my neighborhood!
     Today, though, I want to take some time to share with you a need in my community. I have a friend, named Claudi, who loves the Lord. Last year, he stepped out in faith and obeyed God's calling on his life to educate the underprivileged in a nearby village. See, in Haiti, there is no public education, nor is it cheap! Many children in the village of Mango are unable to reach their intellectual potential, due to their financial need. Claudi, along with 4 volunteers, started a small, free, Christian school. Claudi currently has 33 students enrolled, from preschool to 6th grade. At 21 years of age, Claudi humbly serves as the school's founder and director. Last Thanksgiving, with the help of New Vision Ministries, I was able to donate some books and supplies to his school, but there remains a great need.
     Unfortunately, due to their need for paid work, 2 teachers have abandoned the ministry, leaving Claudi and 2 others to run the show. They meet in an unfinished, roofless house, with nothing but a chalkboard and barely enough bench space for all of the students. Claudi previously purchased uniforms for his students, out of pocket. It's custom, in Haiti, for uniforms to be individually  purchased and worn, and Claudi understood the importance of enabling his students to do the same. Through the provision of uniforms, these beautiful children of God are given a symbol of their value, belonging, acceptance, and self-respect. Claudi is installing within them a healthy, much-needed pride, and that's beautiful.
     The school year ends in 3 months, and another year of faith will begin in October, Lord-willing. Claudi's vision is to eventually be able to accept 100/150 students, as there is still much educational need in Mango. In order to reach this goal, he will need to hire 5-6 professors.
     God has laid it on my heart to partner with Claudi in his Mango ministry. Though there are many potential expenses, the two primary financial needs are monthly teacher salaries (in order to ensure consistent and devoted workers) and student uniforms. An average monthly teacher salary is around $100us. As typical, custom-made Haitian uniforms can become pricey, I would love to provide the children with bulk-printed polo shirts as a beautiful alternative. My prayer is that the vision God's laid on my brother Claudi's heart would continue to grow and touch lives in the following school year.

* IF YOU ARE PRAYERFULLY INTERESTED IN SUPPORTING OR LEARNING MORE ABOUT CLAUDI'S MINISTRY, PLEASE CONTACT ME AT 

kourtneyjisaman@gmail.com

Together, we are the Body. Let's help Haiti help itself! 

Home Is Where Your Heart Is

     After over a month of waiting, we're finally settled into our Haitian home! In the days leading up to our big move, I felt the burden of Satan's fearful opposition as I drew closer to God's calling on my life. While I had no doubt this was where God had asked me to be, nearly everything that could have challenged us did! An unfinished wall, crumbling floors, a cracked water resevoir, a broken stove, and the list goes on. We faced opposition through isolation and unkept promises. The discourager tried to undermine God's peace and authority...and very convincingly so!
     However, we were not alone. :) With a little bleach, sweat, rescourcefullness, and Lacrae, our house became a home! God remained faithful to His promises, yet again. He is a Provider, as I had enough finances to creatively replace the things we couldn't have planned for. He is Sufficiency, as Kelsea and I took turns battling the temptation of disappointment in unmet expectations. He is Comfort, as we often felt abandoned by those we expected we could count on most in our time of need. Most of all, my God is Love. The kind of Agape Love that never leaves, never gives up, and never fails. Our first night in our home, we invited dear friends of mixed nationality to join us for intentional worship and prayer. God loved on my heart by reminding me that my house was His house; His space, to be a place of worship. Every room, every meal, every conversation within...intented for His glory.
     Every day is filled with new challenges, new adventures, and a renewed understanding of the character of God. I've learned to fetch water from the community pump, though I've yet to master the art of balancing it on my head. ;) I've learned to bathe with a cup, while standing in a basin...and I've learned to save that dirty water, so that we can flush our toilet at the end of every day. I've learned how to burn our trash in the yard, which I jokingly call our "bonfire." I've learned not to enter a room without a lantern, as we've made many spider, cockroach, ant, and centipede friends in the lat week. I've learned to prepare dinner for more than 2, as we've yet to have an evening without surprise visitors.
     By the grace of God, this transition in lifestyle has been refreshingly effortless! The normalcy of my days makes me laugh. Not a day goes by that Kelsea and I don't share a chuckle over some little joy God sprinkled throughout our chaos. Though Satan continues to try to discourage our weary hearts, may I never forget that, with God, I lack nothing. With every trial, I've found even more beauty and joy to keep me where I've been called. God continues to love on my heart in a big way! I've known in my head but I'm beginning to understand in my heart that, since we were created for His glory alone, our hearts will remain restless and dicontented until we fulfill our purpose. Whatever God's asked of your life, obedience to your purpose is the only place you'll find true joy and peace. Wether you are in your personal office, caring for your children, teaching, cleaning, coaching, cooking....WHATEVER He has asked of you today, His glory is your joy. Obey.  

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." 

Ephesians 31:8

"But this command I gave [your ancestors]: 'Obey my voice, and I will be your God, and you shall be my people. And walk in all the way that I command you, that it may be well with you."

Jeremiah 7:23

Please, join me in prayer, for:

     *The women previously employed by the feeding program; We are currently beginning a new, more independent, self-sustaining beading program that will provide them with housing and job. More information to come! (We'll need your help later to spread the word!)

     *The children's home; Kelsea and I, as well as the other missionary family that was previously living at the orphanage have relocated (not far) in the last week. We are trusting God's provision and protection for the children by the Haitian staff in our absence. Above all, I want the children to never doubt their worth and that they are loved.

THANK YOU FOR DOING YOUR PART, CHURCH!

Two Weeks...But Not Too Weak With Christ!

     Let's be honest here folks...as I sat down to write you tonight, a tear fell. Yep, just one, but it was a sneak attack! It's been exactly 2 weeks since I moved back to beautiful Montrouis, and my heart has never been more whole in my entire life.
    Yet, I'm not enough...never have been. Still, by the grace of my merciful God, I am filled with the One who is. Most people might argue that God never gives us more than we can handle. I humbly disagree. I think that God always gives us more than we can handle, on our own, with the promise to never leave us alone! The Truth is, I am weak. Apart from Christ, I am just a girl. Just a 22-yr-old, single, white, English-speaking girl, called to a country very much the opposite. I have no idea what I'm doing! :)
     Now, for those of you thinking, "wait...did I just burn my tax refund?!" Keep reading! It brings God no glory to tell you what I'm not, without also reminding you of who He is;

"But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you."
 (John 14:26)

*I love Haiti, but there is still so much I DON'T know here. Every day, I've watched my Teacher soften the hearts of those I encounter as I continue to learn and grow. I am a learner. A forever student of the most patient Teacher. As I stumble through each day, God sends the Spirit to go before me and with me, gently guiding my clumsy steps. I am yet refined, but I am holding to His promise to continue His work in me, all the days of my short life.

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable."
 (Isaiah 40:28)

*I'll admit, every night I fall into my bed, absolutely dead. It's not that my days aren't filled with indescribeable beauty, joy, and sometimes even a nap, but I'm spent! Decaying flesh and weary bones....that's all I have to offer. Yet, as I offer my bag of bones to a God who's everlasting, the God who has more than enough energy for the whole herd of us, I find strength. Even now, as I struggle to keep my eyes open long enough to finish this blog, I realize I don't have enough left in me for the things I know I have to do tomorrow. His beautiful promise? It's not tomorrow yet :) So why try to muster the strength in me today, when I'm promised God will renew me with the morning sun? My God has the answers to questions I haven't even considered yet, and that's relieving! He'll have the right words for the people who will need words tomorrow, and He'll have refreshing silence for those who will need peace. He knows where I'll go and who I'll meet.....so for tonight, I get to rest. I don't have to be anything more than my weary self. He is everything I'm not tonight.

"Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
(1 John 4:8)

*This Truth, which adorns my bible and played a heavy role in the inspired ink on my wrist, is even more powerful to me than the previous truths. I would dare to confess that Love is the only reason I am in Haiti tonight. Love is what's filled my heart, in the absence of family and familiarity. Love, in all of His patience, kindness, selflessness, humility, trustworthiness, and honor are enough, in me. Love is my protection, my hope, and my perseverance. 
(1Corinth. 13:4-7)

I am nothing. I am weak...But in my weaknesses, I am made strong. He is enough. Is he your enoughness? That's my prayer for you today.

The Best Is Yet To Come..

     So, today I "learned" how to de-scale a gutted Wahoo with a dull knife. Needless to say, my shoes will forever smell like fish...but the smiles on my friends' faces will outlast a pair of $10 Walmart shoes anyway, so I'd do it again. Life in the fishing village is simple; everyone knows everyone (including the skeletons in their closets!) and they just live life, one moment at a time. There is always struggle, but some challenges weigh heavier on the heart than others. The feeding program ended today, leaving most of the women in the village without work. As nearly all of them are single mothers of many, trying to simply survive, lack of work in Haiti makes "unemployment" checks in America look like a dream well-lived. The one-room houses they've depended on all year will soon be given up, as rent is due this month. Yet these are just 12 women in a small village whose stories I happen to know.
     There is much brokenness in Haiti; Just today, I passed 4 who roam the streets as "those without a mind." Living as outcasts, intentionally ignored, you can find them sifting through the trash dump next door or talking to themselves as they sit in the sun, dressed for a Missouri winter. A life of solitude, just waiting to die. In just one short week, I've brought medicine to my friend's sick grandma, learned of another friend's little brother who had malaria, another friend has a sick mother and a sister on an IV, and heard of 2 fatal car/moto accidents. There is so much hurt here.
     But hope remains. As I hopped a moto to the fishing village this morning, I saw hundreds of school children flooding the streets of Montrouis with medical gloves on their hands. Realizing I was the only one who found it odd, I asked my driver why they weren't in class today (a field trip to the market isn't exactly a norm here!). He explained that, once a year, all the schools send the youth out to "beautify" the streets. Working with pride, I watched as Montrouis became hopeful, one piece of trash at a time. It was beautiful. Not because I could see the sidewalk, or because I kept my fishy shoes dry on the walk back....no, it was beautiful, because I saw Haiti help Haiti, and it had absolutely nothing to do with me. God just empowered the people I love so much and then allowed me to watch in humility. No matter how much hurt and brokenness is in this world, Hope can always be found. Today, it found me.

Would you thank God?
     *for the hope that envelops this nation; may it be deeply rooted in Truth.
     *for the youth of this nation, to be empowered to greater things, for a higher purpose.
Would you surrender to the Lord?
     *the hurt that has scarred many who live in the community of Montrouis. That they would be washed with Agape Love and the hope of Christ's coming.
     *the sickness that has touched many whom I love, and even more I've yet to know. We serve a Healer, let's come before Him, friends.

THANK YOU 

for your continued partnership and investment in what God's doing here in Montrouis! Be the body, be the Church....exactly where He's called you. I'm praying for you too!

Jehova Shalom

     What is peace? Well, the 70's described it as "making love, not war." Webster tells us it's "a state of tranquility, or stillness; freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions." Yet God's Truth tells me it's far more than still thoughts and bubbly feelings....

LORD, you establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us.

 (Isaiah 26:12)

Peace is knowing that I am not expected, or qualified, to accomplish, achieve, succeed, or win. It's not my job. I simply serve the One who was. I serve the One who is. I serve the One who always will be.

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. (Isaiah 55:12)

Peace is what goes before me, clears the way, and leads me into joy so beautiful, I can't keep it to myself.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

Peace is not something I search for; it's something I allow myself to be filled with. It's the hope of a power greater than my own, in whom I put all trust.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

Peace exceeds all, yes ALL, limitations of my understanding. Peace is what's left when all my answers, solutions, and bright ideas fall flat. Peace is given through prayer, thanksgiving, and the coming before the throne of the Prince of Peace.

     I have peace here. Sure, it felt "right" to help my friend Marimot from the fishing village hang her laundry in the hot, Haitian sun. My heart is certainly happy as I rock babies to sleep during Kelsea's English class, so that moms and dads can learn. When I walk to the gas station and have to stop 4 times to visit with friends I see along the way....I feel right at home in my neighborhood. Yet, that's not the definition of peace, is it?

     I have peace, only because Christ dwells in my heart. With the Prince of Peace running the show, I no longer have to memorize my lines, or worry about my cues; Peace floods my life as my God leads me to embrace the beauty in each moment. Surrender to His journey results in my success, regardless of the answers I am yet to understand, the Creole words I've yet to learn, or the cultural cues i've yet to study. I'm so privileged to come before the throne, with nothing to offer, and a life of complete peace to gain. 

     Every day here has been more beautiful than the one before. I've realized that the more I think, the more I simply get in the way. The Savior who lives in me continues to be everything I need for each day, one moment at a time. I've learned to listen, not to my heart, but to the one who dwells there. I've been back in Montrouis for less than a week now, and I've seen God's raw Agape love more clearly than my previous 5 months here. I have peace. His name is Jehova Shalom.

Would you join me in thanksgiving for:

     *The peace of Christ that has enabled me to already build deeper relationships with several friends through vulnerability and trust.

     *The ease of my first attempt back in the eye clinic this morning! God provided me with more Creole than I thought I knew, and allowed the moments of their patient waiting in line to be used for much love and laughter through our "small talk."

Would you petition with me at the foot of His throne for:

     *Continued discernment on how to provide housi from the women recently unemployed in the fishing village.

     *My change of location once rent begins, that the peace of God's promises would remain clear and authoritative in my decisions.

THANK YOU 

for investing in my piece of His story!