Confessions of a Novice Missionary

     It's been entirely too long since I last wrote (perhaps some of you won't notice that I seem to start every blog that way). As I chatted with some co-servants in Montrouis yesterday afternoon, I realized it was time for me to write a nitty gritty, nuff-fakin',  show-em'-the-dirt kind of blog. The following confessions are not for the faint of heart. If you're expecting a churchy, "Jesus answer", turn back now. If you're hoping for a hero, let me save you the disappointment. If you want to know the truth about what I've learned here, however, I'll invite you to hear me out.

     The truth is, I'm sick of being sweaty. I miss wearing jeans. Even missionaries hit the snooze button when we don't feel like facing work some days. I'm known to ignore phone calls. Once in a blue moon, I'll use use your money on a candy bar...just to get through the afternoon. I'm not perfect...no where close. In fact, I lost my patience with my 4-yr-old neighbor yesterday. How's that for the ugly-heart award? 

     Shopping in the market intimidates me...still. I have to give myself a pep-talk before I step outside my door most mornings. I try to save my longer "pit stops" till' after I leave my house...because I can only flush once a day. I often pretend not to see the roaches on my floor or counter, ashamedly because I lack the courage to crunch em' and clean em' up. I need a power nap every time I fetch water from the community pump. Ever since my roommate moved out, I sleep diagonally...just so the bed doesn't feel so big. I cried myself to sleep last week, twice.

     I don't read my bible every day like every "good" missionary should. Sometimes, I secretly wish I had something other than rice for lunch. My empty house is scary at night, so I usually go to bed with the sun.  Sometimes, I put on blush...I'm not really sure why. I miss Taco Bell. I miss my family. I miss my boyfriend like crazy. I want chocolate cake and a cup of black coffee, stat. I want to finish the work God has for me here...so that I can go home.

     I confess all of these things (and I could go on), not to make light of the beauty I'm privileged to witness every day here. Nor is it to make you feel sorry for me, because I'm not at all sorry I'm here. I confess these things to remind you that cross-cultural missionaries are, in fact, people too. :) We sin. We're selfish. We're so stinking weak. Sure, I was obedient to His call for me to move here this year, but that doesn't mean I never struggle to obey my Master. I may be willing to make a few sacrifices, but that doesn't mean I always like it. I'm not going to pretend it's fun.

     You see, the funny thing about surrendering your plans to Christ is that you might not like what He decides to do with them. And that's OK. You know what, Church, I'm not going to lie and tell you, "I wouldn't want it any other way!" Even as Christians, our flesh will ALWAYS want it another way! In fact, even the Son of Man perspired blood as he begged His Father for any other way but the cross. So, of course, God did what was easiest....right? Wrong.

     Scripture never once reads, "follow Me, unless that interferes with something, then go ahead and wait till' it's more convenient for you. Wait a while, until it makes more sense for your life. Plan it all out first, save up, and make sure you have a backup plan...the Kingdom can wait till' tomorrow." If you find it, let a sister know!!! Nope. We are all called to carry our cross, daily. 

     Church, what are you struggling with today? What does your flesh want? Be real. Identify it. Admit it. Then talk to our God about it! He already knows...it's time to fess up. But once you realize what's flesh and what's Truth, step into His story, folks! He may only invite you once. Hold up... There's a catch! Even though you may not like what He's asking you to give up, what He's asking you to do...take heart, believers! True satisfaction, pure joy (the REAL livin'!) comes when we surrender our WANTS for His BEST. Are there things I thought I wanted (and perhaps still do) that I'm no where close to??? You bet! But I never could have dreamed of the little, unexpected joys that absolutely fill me as I'm walking in His plan for me here. My story was so lame! God's got a better one, friends! The best one! Don't miss out on your unique piece, no matter what the exchange. Even on the candy-bar-necessary days, you'll experience the hope of an eternal purpose. So why settle for less?